I try not to count how many times I’ve done this with different creative endeavors in my life. I start with lots of enthusiasm and think I’m going to make this total life transformation where I’m suddenly able to do this creative thing (in this particular case, it’s a blog) without much thought or effort and then suddenly somehow it’s a part of my daily life. HA!
Needless to say, I abandoned this blog page months ago just before taking on quite a few responsibilities and new adventures that I wanted to share with the internet and yet, found myself completely unable to do so. No matter how much I thought or dreamed about how I would share things or what I would say to describe them, they didn’t suddenly start existing. Imagine that, doing something that you share with the world requires more than just the ideas phase.
I consider this to be one of my best and worst qualities. That sort of “a gift and a curse” concept. If I could boil myself down to one thing, I would be the embodiment of a perpetual “Idea Stage” of a science experiment or in a more literal sense, a human brain storm. Constantly buzzing around full of thoughts and half-hatched ideas that I string together in a flurry of sensory and emotional overload until something stops me. I’ve been able to skate by in many areas of life by living in my imagination and doing a half-assed version of just more than the bare minimum to go unnoticed by everyone around me. I think only recently did I realize it started to slide downhill in a way I still haven’t been able to fully understand or verbalize…
It may seem like I’m beating myself up, I suppose. Of course, how can it not? The challenging part for me is to be able to fully express myself in a way that’s understood by anyone who stumbles across my dusty little corner of the internet. I try so hard to be as general and inclusive as possible that I often times lose my central thesis or reason for why I’m doing something. Then comes the point where I either A) continue to trudge along miserably hoping some fairy godmother comes and bippity bops my ass to a better place or B) I lose hope and abandon ship or C) a weird combination of both. As you can guess, the last option is my number one hit as of late and something I’m really trying to improve upon.
This blog so far has pretty well lacked a general direction or “niche” that, from what I’ve seen across the internet, is crucial. Well, I hate to be that person but I’m too niche for a niche. Too quirky, if you will. I hate forcing myself into one tiny box of ideas and expressions that limits me. But if I’m being totally honest… I think I grossly love being limited. Told I’m not allowed to do whatever it is that I want to do. Anywhere there is a rule, I try to find a way to bend it. A way to push the boundary and make anything that seems black and white a nice warm shade of gray. (No, not 50 fucking different shades either, I hate that I just made a perfect allusion to that book because NO!)
At this point, I think it’s fair to say this post will serve as a better introductory post than one I could write about, “oh, look at me I’m a Leo and I’m married and have a dog and believe in raindrops and puppy kisses.” Which, by the way are all TRUE! But also don’t really give you an idea of how they all string together to make me … well… ME. So hopefully as I continue to dance around and contradict myself in all possible ways until my head spins and I implode, I hope I’m able to connect with someone out there who just gets it. And if you don’t get it yet, stay tuned. There’s a lot more where this came from. 🙂