It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything on my blog. That wasn’t my intention, but hey, life doesn’t always go according to plan, right?
Needless to say I’ve been busy with a few other things that I can’t wait to share with you (my mom came over and helped me redecorate a large portion of our house, I tried some new simple recipes, went on a really nice walk, etc.) but in the past few days I’ve contracted a really mild mystery illness which has ultimately rendered me helpless. Does anyone else ever feel pathetic when you have a stuffy head and slight body aches but still somehow feel completely unable to carry on with your normal day to day existence? That’s been me lately and let me tell you, I seriously hate it.
As an overly dramatic person, the list of things I hate is unnecessarily long. But that doesn’t make me hate those things any less. Catching a cold that affects your existence is probably in my top 3 all-time most hated things, right after the feeling of wearing wet denim and having a needle in your arm.
I’m focusing on trying to stay positive about life lately. February tends to be a challenging month for me, with my seasonal depression typically at it’s roughest point amidst the unending gray skies of the Pacific Northwest. As much as I love living here, it really does a number on the state of my mental health after months and months of rain and being hidden from my natural supplier of vitamin d, the wonderful sun.
Even though I would describe myself as an optimist at my core, I struggle daily to see the optimism in life. I know I’m not alone in the “phenomena” of being a pessimistic optimist by any means, but I am really trying to put my best foot forward more often.
It’s honestly really hard sometimes. Even more so when you’re struck with a cold. I despise when something attempts to force me into submission. I’m not a submissive type of person. I’m too stubborn. My stubbornness is like my eye color: I got it from good ole’ mom, dad, and the big guy upstairs, and there’s not a whole lot I can do to change that part of myself. Luckily, just like my eye color, I don’t want to change that part of myself. I do often wish it came with a guide though.
In the last few days, my body has been telling me all sorts of helpful things like, “Hey Jordan, why don’t we just rest and take it easy today. Drink some tea and take a nap so your body can heal faster.” Silly body, don’t you know I have things to do? Places to go, people to see? Of course, from that point on my symptoms just get a smidge worse. Pushing through a cold really shouldn’t be required of anyone and yet, once again, I know I’m not the only one who attempts it.
Why is it so immeasurably difficult to just surrender?
Personally, I think it’s because I equate surrendering with submitting or just outright giving up. But from what I have come to learn, I’m wrong.
Submitting, from my perspective, is not only the act of giving in to something but the word itself comes with a sense of frustration and destroyed determination. Not at all something my stubborn self will ever sign up for.
Surrendering though? Maybe a different story.
Surrendering has a spiritual connotation for me and is a way that my stubborn fighting spirit attempts to absolve my limitations for a higher purpose. I realize that some people may not perceive the differences between submitting and surrendering because if you boil them down, they are both essentially ways to let go of something. To me though, the differences are life-changing.
Spiritually speaking, surrendering is so much more than falling into a state of complacency after many failed attempts to achieve a certain outcome. Surrendering, as I’ve heard it told, is a way of actively taking your role in the bigger picture of life. Admitting your own human limitations and surrendering yourself to a force beyond your control. A concept which allows you to open yourself up to grace and the workings of a Higher Power.
Easier said than done, for someone like me.
I’ve always had the confidence and ability to set wheels in motion for myself to achieve my desired outcomes. Only recently have I realized some of the wheels I put in motion were focused on the wrong achievements. In the past few years, aspects of my life have quickly unfurled and come completely undone, much to my chagrin. Try as I might, it seemed like some hopes and dreams I held onto were not truly meant for me. Suddenly, my life came to a point where surrendering was my only option.
I have a hunch that surrendering is a lot easier than I’ve allowed myself to experience thus far in life. Accepting my role in the bigger picture of the human experience should come naturally and easily, shouldn’t it? Maybe it does. Maybe I haven’t allowed myself to sit still long enough to experience my Higher Power’s specific guidance on what to do next. Maybe I haven’t allowed myself the same love, compassion, and understanding that I so graciously give out to those closest to me. Or maybe I’m completely off base and should be shipped off to the looney bin. Who knows.
What I do know is that I’m surrendering to this cold.
Maybe it’ll show me my personal life’s purpose in the bigger picture of things. Or maybe it’ll just teach me to listen to my body a little better and stop pushing myself. I’m surrendering to stay open for whatever comes.