Today’s post is something that, while challenging, is but a stepping stone on my (and my husband’s) journey through life. Just another chapter that I think will serve others to know about. When I first found out we were pregnant, I started a blog post where I added to it during the few momentous occasions that occurred during my short pregnancy. October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and now, I am a woman you know who has had a miscarriage. I am 1 in 4.
August 2, 2018:
Today is the day we got our big fat positive … our 3rd wedding anniversary.
I complained of lower stomach pain after sneezing and Austyn said, “You’re pregnant. Take a test.” I figured it would come back negative like they all had for the eleven months prior to this. But within seconds of peeing on that stick, the two pink lines showed up.
My cycles have been irregular since getting off the pill, but we did it. We made our first baby. We have no idea how far along we are, hopefully, we will find out soon.
Only Brooklyn and Kelby know. Not sure how long I can keep it that way, but my hope is that I’m able to make it until we have a more accurate due date.
It’s incredible that we were chosen to be parents at this point in our lives. I can’t wait to meet the little person already developing inside my body right now.
August 8, 2018 Update:
We had our first ultrasound today and found out we were not at all as far along as we anticipated. My last period was 10 weeks ago, but as far as we could see, there was only the gestational sac and the yolk sac. Which put us at 5 weeks and 4 days. MUCH less than we originally anticipated, but also puts me at ease because now I know there were much healthier habits in place by the time our little cell clump made its way into my uterus.
My mom also guessed I’m pregnant. So surprised ruined for her! Thankfully we still have everyone else in our family (minus Brooklyn) to tell and “announce” the good news to. Now we just have to agree on when we will do it. Our next ultrasound is scheduled for August 17th. Hopefully, we are able to get a heartbeat at that time! 🙂
August 20, 2018:
We heard the baby’s heartbeat on Friday the 17th. A perfect 121 bpm! We have told everyone in our immediate family now and plan to make the big reveal around Austyn’s birthday for all our extended family and friends. Yesterday was officially 7 weeks and so far my symptoms are minimal. I can smell everything and my boobs are sore. Every day I’m so thankful to be pregnant and continue to focus on keeping my diet toward the healthier persuasion (as much as I can). Some days I fail at that, but overall my habits are nearly everything I wanted to have in place while being pregnant.
September 4, 2018:
Today I learned the baby’s heart stopped beating. You grew to be 8 weeks and 3 days before your tiny heart stopped beating inside me. There were few clues that anything was going wrong, the doctor called it a missed miscarriage. I spotted for a few days, with no cramps or indication that anything was happening. My heart is absolutely broken. I feel so lost for words and completely overwhelmed with thoughts at the same time. I haven’t stopped crying since I left the doctors office.
September 6, 2018:
I had a d&c procedure to remove the remaining tissue inside my uterus as my body wasn’t allowing the miscarriage to pass naturally. I think I cried all the tears I needed to cry over the two days leading up to my procedure because the process and environment were filled with positivity, love, and support. I shared my miscarriage news with more people than we told about the pregnancy, but I truly feel that being open and honest about my experience is crucially important. Austyn and I both talked today about how it’s so uncommon to hear people talk openly about miscarriages, a thing that you’re told is so so common once it happens. I know it can be a very uncomfortable and strange topic to discuss, but I think it’s important that more women who experience them find the strength to share their stories. Reading accounts from other women who experienced miscarriages and the same procedure I had was very helpful in my healing process.
The story I never imagined myself needing to tell, but here I am. Letting anyone who comes across this blog know that I experienced a miscarriage.
I always dreamed that the first things I would post about pregnancy on my blog or any of my personal social media outlets would be announcing a healthy pregnancy and baby on the way. But I’ve learned that life almost never works out how you plan it to.
The moment we found out we were pregnant seemed so perfect. Finding out on the night of your 3rd wedding anniversary could not be more perfect, in my opinion. It was exactly what we wanted for the past year of our lives. Everyone was happy for us. Every single person we told knew that we had been “trying” to get pregnant for a while. (aka having lots of unprotected sex. Which I still think is weird to tell your family, but apparently, once you’re married it’s like acceptable and encouraged? Culture is still weird to me.)
I choose to remain light-hearted because, honestly, what else can I do? I experienced a loss of a very much wanted and loved pregnancy. Am I supposed to remain broken forever and never move on? I prefer not. I choose to remain light-hearted and hopeful that the day comes when the universe or God or Mother Earth or whoever is in charge allows us to fully become parents. Being parents to an angel baby is still an honor, and one I don’t take lightly, but I know we both want the opportunity to have to change dirty diapers, deal with a sassy toddler, and have a teenager roll their eyes at us and tell us how embarrassing it is when we kiss in public.
It hurt to see other pregnancy announcements at first. I felt hurt that God didn’t want me to be a mother yet. I still sometimes feel that way.
I’m trying to focus on appreciating the journey toward parenthood. I’m trying to surrender to the fact that this is one aspect of life that I have no control over and that I am merely just a human. Perhaps Austyn and I are meant to enjoy this time together and focus on the last few things we can do as just the two/three of us (because yeah, our dog is still our baby) until a human child arrives.
People try to comfort you but it only helps so much.
My parents experienced a miscarriage before they got pregnant with me. It was comforting to have them during this challenge in my life. My dad’s words still ring in my ears and my heart when I think about this miscarriage and what the future holds. He reminded me that if they would have had the baby they miscarried, they wouldn’t have me now. How thankful he is that he has me and not a different child. It’s a bittersweet feeling in my heart to feel so full of love for my dad, someone who also knows the pain of losing a wanted pregnancy, and to feel so hurt but hopeful that I get to/have to experience the same things he did. Also, slightly terrified at the prospect of having my own little “Jordan” just waiting around the corner to come into my life and shake things up. I wish there were more words to explain the feelings we experience as humans. It’s weird to experience the things your parents have gone through and the newfound respect and admiration you gain for them is another thing you never plan for.
In the span of the past month, it feels as if I have aged years and grown so much from the day I found out we weren’t having a baby anymore. That moment I was told there was no heartbeat was surreal. The heartbreak that followed was worse than any breakup or intense emotional experience I’ve had thus far in life.
But somehow, I’m thankful that I went through it.
Going through a miscarriage has brought me and Austyn closer than I could have imagined. All relationships are challenged when a miscarriage occurs, and our relationship has weathered the storm in a way I could have never fathomed. This has been another event that allowed me to more fully appreciate the magical human being I’m married to and be thankful that I have truly found my soul mate and life partner. I appreciate my life more in a way that I didn’t prior to losing something so important.
This post has been very scattered, as I’ve mostly written it in chunks over the course of the past few weeks. But most importantly, I hope other women know that miscarriages are common. They aren’t a fault of yours or a direct result of a decision you’ve made. They happen to 1 in 4 known pregnancies and, more than likely, I’m not the only person in your life that has had one. I hope this post helps other women know that it’s okay to tell your miscarriage story when you’re ready. My hope is that the more we talk about it, the less traumatic and isolating the experience has to be for women and men. I’ve received so much comfort and support from random women who I’ve shared my miscarriage with that I’ve never regretted opening up about something so personal.
I’m here personally for any person who wants to share their story. Either in the comments of this blog post or in a personal message. I’m here, I know the pain you’re going through, and I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. And hopefully, a rainbow after we’ve weathered this storm.