I am, like many others out there, in a season of waiting.
When I search the ways to describe what a “Season of Waiting” can be described as, I was met with a Google search full of Christian oriented articles and advice. Now I’m not here to say that following religiously focused advice is the wrong path, but for me, I have found specifically religious advice to miss the mark when it comes to speaking to me or igniting any type of connection within myself.
Since there is a lack of more generalized or openly spiritual info available, I figured what better way than to create my own.
Being in a season of waiting is not new to me. Every new chapter of my life has demanded a new version of me to show up and sometimes those versions and chapters are out of sync, so to speak. For example, when I became a big sister at the age of 3.5, I don’t think I fully understood what that meant and quickly realized that I had a new set of responsibilities and opportunities that were not available to me in life before that chapter.
The more challenging seasons of waiting came for me in later high school and beyond when the feelings of “not being enough” began to hit me the hardest.
As we go through life it seems that through elementary, middle, and even high school we all tend to meet the exact same milestones as those around us at roughly the same time. Having gone to Catholic school my entire life, that was also religiously encoded into my upbringing. We had various religious ceremonies, like first confession and first communion, that we studied and prepared for together as a class and then we all went through the ritual together at the same time.
There was no way for me to fully realize that everyone had their own unique timeline until later on.
My first challenging season of waiting was when I was anxiously awaiting for my now husband to propose. We had waited an appropriate amount of time to move in together and his goal was for us to live together for a year before he felt comfortable popping the question. I was clearly on a different page of our relationship, and even though we both wanted marriage, I wanted it now. It was a challenging season for me in many ways and at times I cringe thinking about how annoying I was to literally everyone around me. (My sister is sure to remind me constantly how awful I was to be around when my response to every question was “Yeah, I don’t know, I’m probably just going to be an old widow forever and never get married.” While shooting eye daggers at my poor boyfriend.) The feeling of being ready to get the government involved in our relationship was so strong for me and even though we ended up happily married not long after, I wish I would have taken time to realize that I was in the midst of a season of waiting.
Seasons of waiting, for me, tend to make my emotions so much more exaggerated than normal. Every aspect of my life feels put under a microscope and evaluated as “not enough” which is obviously the clear reason for the energetic block in my ability to have everything I desire in this life and more.
Currently, I am in a season of waiting to fully enter motherhood. Some people believe that because I was pregnant and miscarried, that I am in fact a mother. I don’t fully disagree because yes, I did have a baby. However, being that it was my first pregnancy and I have no children to care for here in the physical realm of life, it’s a lot harder for me to consider myself a mother. I feel I haven’t earned the title, in total honesty.
This season of waiting feels so different than others that I have gone through. When I stop and think about it, probably all seasons of waiting are unique to the person and the situation. But now that I am aware of being in the midst of a season of waiting, there are certain things that are a lot easier for me to work through.
Accepting that this is merely a transitional phase between where I am and where I want to be is so much easier now that I know I’m in a season of waiting. I fully trust that what’s meant to be will happen in divine timing. It’s easier for me to release expectations of myself and what I can control because in this specific chapter of life, God truly is in charge of this miracle we are waiting on.
There are days where it is so so hard. But as I transition to a state of surrendering to the higher power of the universe, I am able to release the burden of procreating from my shoulders. I’m doing all I need to do in that regard and there is nothing more I can do.
I’m not alone in my season of waiting. I have a few friends who are also waiting to conceive, or waiting on engagements, weddings, buying a house, getting a dog, finding a new fulfilling career, and all sorts of seasons of waiting. We are all working toward the goals and desires we have for ourselves in this life and while some of us will get certain ones in the snap of a fingers, others of us will have to focus on growth and acceptance in the mean time.
Regardless of the season, I think it’s important for us all to ask ourselves what our life would look like if we don’t accomplish the thing we are waiting for. For myself, I am allowing myself to live the life I have in the present moment which does not include children. And selfishly, I am enjoying every last moment of it. If the universe decides I should never have biological children, that’s fine. I’ve already accepted life as a dog mom perfectly well and am completely open to adoption. I am holding out hope that I will get pregnant but I have released the expectation that it needs to happen on my timeline.
I genuinely believe that during seasons of waiting, it’s important to shift our awareness to the things we already possess. To show gratitude to the universe for the lessons we are learning in the process of pursuing and writing our next great chapter. In this season, I have learned patience I never knew existed within myself, and I have learned how to mother myself. I will continue to learn lessons and add them to my toolbox regardless of if a baby comes or not.
Are you in a season of waiting right now? Is there anything you wish would happen in this very instant? Have you thought about what your life will look like without that thing? Have you accepted your life as “good enough” even if you never get that thing?
I hope everyone out there who is also in a season of waiting is able to learn all they need to learn and grow in the ways you deserve and need to grow. Our strength comes to us in our darkest times, remember to continue shining that beautiful light within yourself even through these challenging seasons of growth.