I’m absolutely afraid of showing people my true self.
There. I said it.
I constantly create new blog posts with what I deem to be deep, insightful material that I believe deserves to be shared.
And then I let it sit in my draft section for weeks on end.
Fear is not a new concept for me, I’ve been living in the world of fear and guilt as long as I can remember. (Looking at you, Catholic school.) Thankfully, I have more memories of living in that world while being fearless.
I didn’t used to care what anyone thought of me. At. All.
What I thought of myself was always more important than what anyone thought of me.
However, it feels like I’ve reached a point in life where I now must share that with the world. My unabashed true self, or higher self for my spiritual friends out there.
And I’m terrified of what people think.
Thankfully, I’ve begun to heal those parts of myself.
But it’s not easy. At. All.
Especially when a big part of my truth feels like it revolves around accepting my spiritual gifts and allowing myself to use them within a setting that acknowledges my gifts and is thankful for them.
It feels like I’m always hiding a part of myself.
In every conversation I have with another person it feels like I’m carrying a secret, some hidden knowledge that once I reveal it, will ruin what that person thinks of me.
In a way, I think this is the closest I will come to understanding what a closeted person might feel like. It feels like there’s this huge part of me that’s going left unnoticed and unincorporated and that until I acknowledge it and incorporate it into my being, I will always feel this way.
The hardest part, for me, is knowing that I have something locked away inside me but I have very few ideas as to what that could be.
I’ve traveled down many paths and taken on many identities to see what fits as I’ve aged and developed.
Disney movie enthusiast, fairy princess, cheerleader, writer, party girl, reader, Leo, student, psychologist, receptionist, office manager, baby sitter, mother, friend, sister, wife, girlfriend, slut, martyr, heroine, teacher, know-it-all, and the dumb blonde.
I look back at my formative years and am so thankful for the knowledge I acquired and relationships I built, but I feel a deep sense of disservice when it comes to the way my education was structured. I was not as supported as I would have liked to truly follow what made me happy. It felt like I was so pushed to learn vast amounts of knowledge in every class and the stress alone forced me into avoiding it. (Or I allowed the stress to do that, depending on how you choose to see the world.) I didn’t put my whole self into the majority of what was expected of me growing up and I began to create multiple versions of myself. The one I was when I cared what people thought, and the one that didn’t care at all.
I wasn’t able to embrace the things I liked because they were not deemed “appropriate” for one reason or another. Instead, I had to tell myself that grades and academics were more important than my pursuit of happiness. I wasn’t happy memorizing equations for shapes that didn’t make sense to me. I wasn’t happy memorizing facts about how Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue in 1492. That kind of knowledge acquisition didn’t start to bring me joy until I got into college and felt that I found my purpose. (And was also being medicated for adhd for the first time, which I don’t think is coincidental) I felt forced to live as this “false” version of myself until I felt safe enough to explore that true self I always knew I was inside.
I’m afraid to show people my true self because I’m still in the process of rediscovering what that means. And as a 27 year old married woman with a home and a life, it’s hard for me to admit that to anyone, sometimes even myself.
Social media has conditioned me to believe that everyone around me has it figured out and the fact that I’m this old and haven’t figured things out by now is embarrassing.
Well, here’s the thing…
I’m done giving a fuck.
And I don’t care if my use of swear words offends you. Because I’m done. I’ve reached the point where, as a woman, spiritual being, student of life, and person, I don’t care what ANY of you think of me.
I have the approval of my amazing husband, my dog (who was the easiest to win over), my family, and most importantly I approve of myself.
I’m done catering to the needs of the many and allowing my own needs to go unfulfilled.
Thankfully, the majority of my needs are met by the people in my life. I am completely surrounded by love and approval. (Mostly, that’s because I removed nearly everyone who wasn’t able to be that for me. Which whittled down my pile of friends pretty nicely.)
But the one need no one can fulfill for me, no matter how much they may try, is my ability to love and approve of myself.
No one can do that for me. And no one will ever try.
My family and friends have done SO much for me to get to this point of realization though. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would not have reached this point if I didn’t have them. They loved me when I couldn’t love myself. They reminded me what was worth loving about myself, even when it was hard. Even when I was mean and hurtful and spiteful and hateful. They loved me.
And so now, it’s my turn to love myself that much.
Thankfully, a big part of loving myself still includes loving others and staying connected. I can’t imagine what it would look like if it didn’t.
It’s now my turn to lean into the woman I know has been here inside me all along. The woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. The woman who sees the potential she’s so easily able to see in others in herself. The woman who loves herself enough to risk it all, public opinion most of all.
Because no matter what, I can handle it. Anything this world has to throw my way, no matter how big or small or catastrophic, I know that I can handle it and keep going.
The only thing that has held me back thus far has been myself.
My own limiting beliefs and ideas that I’ve created and continued to reinforce by my acceptance of the “way things have always worked.”
Well, as much as I am a creator, I am also a destroyer. Through destruction and decay comes new life. And I’m ready to destroy all limiting beliefs I hold of myself and allow the new me to be reborn.
Thankfully, she’s always been here.
In every conversation, I’ve had with people. I could feel her, under the surface, poking through in the way I walk, talk, and think about myself. She’s been with me all along. She’s watched my struggles and suffered alongside me. She’s seen my triumphs too and rejoiced as much as I have, if not more. (I’m pretty sure she’s less critical of my choices than I am.)
The hardest part is merging these two versions of myself and allowing them both to exist without any negative, limiting input from my ego self. The one that cares what people think. (She’s a little less evolved.)
The second hardest part is being able to freely and openly say to myself and others that I am not perfect and I’m still learning. Yes, even as a married woman at 27 with a house and a car and a job, who wants children. I have no idea what I’m doing.
Well I’m not going to hide that anymore.
But I’m also not going to use it to discredit who I am. I may not know everything, but I know I’m learning. And with that knowledge of being in a stage of learning comes a lot of grace from myself and my higher power.
I’m also not going to continually tell you “I have no idea what I’m doing” just to make you feel better. I’m going to continually tell you that because it’s the truth. I have never been a super well planned out person. Well thought-out, yes, but not well planned. There’s a big difference. I will not use my platform as a way to shush people into complacency of being “unactualized.” If you’re following me or a fan of what I create, there’s a reason and I’m not going to keep you in a cycle of only ever being a follower that I try to make meaningless money from. (I’m in the business of meaningful money, anyway.)
See for me, I refuse to be someone with a well curated life who tells you I don’t know what I’m doing. When I know what I’m doing, I will tell you. I will have confidence in that answer. When I’m unsure or still figuring it out, I will tell you that too. I’m not going to say “I have no idea what I’m doing” because it’s cute and trendy. I’m telling you that to let you know, “Hey, I have a lot of things figured out in life, but definitely not this. But I’m going to throw myself into it anyway and learn what I can. Because I love and trust myself and the universe that much.”
I want to be a living breathing example of what it looks like to be connected to the highest version of yourself. And fun fact, that version of you makes mistakes. That version of you is able to learn easily from those mistakes and roll with the punches. That version is adaptable and receptive to change. That version is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-seeing, and it continues living anyway.
So with that idea being vocalized, and this post finally being published and out of the way, I introduce to you, the new Jordan.
She’s pretty much exactly the same, she just doesn’t care if you like it or not.