Fluctuations of Motivation and Creative Urge

If you’ve followed this blog for some time, it’s no surprise that my writing and posting schedules are currently hit and miss.

Try as I might to establish a routine (a concept I despise even if I understand the necessity of it), it never really seems to stick. As soon as I find my groove, something in my external world shifts and demands so much of my energy that my creative outlet takes a backseat.

Often times it bounces between family priorities, obligations, new work schedules and demands, exciting opportunities, some days it’s just laundry, and the list goes on.

Whatever it is, somehow I’ve managed to continually allow myself to slip into a state of eventual decreased writing. A feat I am not fond of recurring. A cycle I am working toward breaking.

Each time it sets in though, it’s gotten easier to break through. It’s gotten easier to manage the blockages in my life, whatever they may be, to allow myself space and time to write.

Sometimes that writing is just in my journal, not yet published to this blog. I have a few journals full of random pondering and blog post ideas that I’m still too scared to share here. While other times it’s a half written blog post that sits in my drafts section for an undisclosed amount of time.

The point is that I’m writing and getting my ideas out of my head.

The posting schedule is another beast entirely.

As a blogger/writer, I’ve come to realize that those two terms no longer mean the same thing – at least in the social circles I am a part of.

Being a “blogger” is more closely related to being an insta-famous person who posts photos consistently, on a schedule timed with when their followers are most active, with little snippets about their lives. After a lot of time spent observing, I realize that I am not that kind of person. I even changed my Instagram bio wording to reflect that I view myself as a writer and not whatever “blogger” means now a days because that ain’t me.

My blog doesn’t really have a niche, something I am fairly proud of if I’m being honest.

I don’t really have an angle I’m trying to push besides self expression and expanded awareness in every facet of life.

As I learned in psychology – external motivation is what helps drive a lot of decisions, but if we lack internal motivation then those things fall to the wayside.

For me, this seems to be true. While there are external rewards to sharing my blog posts and writing, there are times that my motivation fluctuates and is heavily influenced by the “what ifs” and comparison games I’m so good at playing in my mind. My internal motivation falls victim to these eternal self-doubt games I play and I enter back into the cycle of not writing, not creating, not expressing.

Sometimes this is good for me. There are time when I’ve realized it is necessary for me to take some breaks from writing specifically, in order to better capture my experiences in written form. However, I am a better writer when I stick to some semblance of a routine.

Just like the road to hell, my writing spurts always start with good intentions. Then, inevitably, I get pulled back down to the dark corners of my life where no writing exists and my internal creative spirit cries and cries until I do something creative.

I have a hunch that maybe, just maybe, this is an aspect of my current writing cycle/routine. One that I obviously have some issue with, but one that exists just the same.

I’ve written before about my fear of sharing myself. Unfortunately, it seems that fear has yet to be fully conquered. But I think it’s one of those ongoing character battles that makes for good reading or character development or something awesome. I mean, it has to be. I won’t allow it to become anything more than that.

With that being said, I will recommence my writing/creating cycle for the foreseeable future. With nearly 60 posts sitting in my drafts section, there’s bound to be something good in there to keep me occupied for a few more weeks and keep my creative ball rolling, right? If not, then I clearly need this to be graded or something so I’m held more accountable for my writing practice on a daily basis.

Cheers to developing self discipline!

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