Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

Apparently, this “movement” of a blog title came into the blogosphere around 2012 but being that I wasn’t an actual blogger then, I was unaware of it.

So even though it’s 2019 and the movement may have passed, there’s nothing quite like a good old reboot, right? *Side eyes Lion King & Aladdin reboots*

As I sat down to write about “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You”, I realized that I’ve already publicized so much of that information already. My blog might as well be permanently renamed “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You” in all honesty, because that’s essentially what it has become.

My path to blogging has always been less than traditional. When I set out to create a blog I wanted to create a space where people were able to connect with me and use me as a way to unlock their own story and ability to create it. So far, I have no idea if that’s what I’ve created or not.

The majority of my posts are embedded with truths that few people fully know about me and I’ve sent them out to the internet universe to whoever stumbles across this little corner of the internet.

However, I do still have some truths I feel like I’m hiding. I ripped the band-aid off most of them when I came out with the truth I’ve been hiding that I’m a little psychic, but that wasn’t all of them. So, here it goes:

I’m an extrovert but social settings make me uncomfortable 99% of the time. I’m pretty sure the energy rush I get from connecting with others is just me releasing all the anxiety I have inside myself and allowing it to be received as, “Oh, she’s just extroverted, that’s why she talks so much.” I’m a nervous mess and have no filter. However, in one on one settings, I’m still extroverted without all the anxiety of social settings. Cheers to ambiverts.

I already talked about my psychic gifts and a few things that includes, but there’s a lot more under that umbrella that I don’t talk about. The biggest one is that I hear voices, mostly all day every day. I already saw two psychiatrists about it and was medicated 3 different times and it still didn’t change, so don’t worry that I’ve gone off the deep end. I haven’t. I’m just clairaudient, aka a voice hearer, and had no idea that was an option when my symptoms started to increase a few years ago. It’s now just become a daily part of my life that I try to use to my advantage. Because what else are you supposed to do about it? I do hope to share the story of this learning process some day, but for now just know it has been a long, messy road to get to the point of acceptance where I can actually tell anyone that I hear voices and not be terrified that they’re going to try and ship me off to a mental hospital.

I don’t care what you think about me, but I probably actually do. Deep down, I’m just like everyone else with a desire to connect to those around me and be accepted. The best way to explain it is that I’ve always danced to the beat of my own drum and I always will, but I really want you to join me even if it doesn’t seem like I do.

I’m a terrible housekeeper. I do pretty good most of the time, but you guys it’s so boring and not therapeutic for me! I wish so badly that it was. I love the energy of a clean house, but the thought of deep cleaning my entire house bores me more than anything. Plus, I don’t care about home decor or interior design or any of that cute stuff so there’s just no winning.

One of my biggest personal flaws is avoidance. It’s one of the only ways I’ve been able to create and maintain healthy boundaries for myself, unfortunately. My ability to confidently say “no” to things is still being developed, so instead I just avoid them. It’s anxiety inducing but of course that doesn’t really create an overnight change. I have been working on it though.

I’m terrified of motherhood. Yep, even as my pregnancy comes to an end in the next few weeks, I’m most terrified of what comes after. So much so that it’s actually the reason I waited “so long” to have kids. (It really didn’t feel that long, but we weren’t the couple who was trying to conceive on our honeymoon like many of our family and friends so I deem it as “so long.”) I’m terrified of becoming my own mother and repeating a cycle I have no control over. After some self-healing, therapy, and years worth of discussion with my husband, I feel confident that I won’t follow that same pattern. But the fear still exists and I know it will take a lot of work on my part to create my own motherhood story not based on ones that came before it.

So there you have it! A few deep dark secrets that I haven’t shared here yet just waiting to be read and allow me to be more vulnerable in my authentic representation of who I really am.

I didn’t share these things for attention, if anything it’s much easier to keep these things hidden out of plain sight from everyone who reads my blog. I share these things to open up space for others to do the same. The past few years of my life have been a long trek up the mountain of radical self-acceptance and even though it’s been a rough journey, I wish it was one that other people were willing to take as well. And not just the “some people think negatively about me, but I love myself anyway” kind of radical acceptance. No, my prayer for the people of the world is that they dig deep and pull forward the things they are embarrassed about, the things they would rather take to their grave than share publicly, let alone fully accept about themselves. That’s where the real work lives and where life’s true happiness can be found.

Are you willing to radically accept something about yourself today?

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