Last year, I shared that I was one of 1 in 4 women who has experienced miscarriage. My post can be found here for anyone interested in reading the details of my miscarriage and immediate response and feelings.
This year, I wanted to give a little more information about what it’s been like for me since that time. Even more so now that I am successfully approaching my 9th month of pregnancy, when just a year ago this seemed so very far away.
It took just over 6 months to conceive again, something I know many women struggle with after miscarriage.
My miscarriage has affected the way in which I enjoy this current pregnancy. It’s made me keep one foot on the ground in all aspects, because I know the reality that it can all be ripped away so quick is a very real and possible one.
The first pregnancy’s due date came and went. For me, it was slightly less emotional than I think it could have been, because I knew I was about 9 weeks pregnant at that time. The same length my first pregnancy lasted all together.
I still wonder what my child would have been like from my first pregnancy. Who might they have become. What might they have enjoyed doing. Would they be trying their first solid foods about now, or learning to crawl, or making noises somewhat resembling words? These are answers I’ll never know. Dreams for a child that never came to be.
And while it hurts to think back to the loss and the hole it left in our hearts, I also feel hopeful that it happened for a reason.
I know statements like that during times like this can seem to be minimizing people’s experiences. But for me, it means something so much more.
My parents experienced a miscarriage before conceiving me. If they didn’t have a miscarriage, I wouldn’t exist. Things happen for a reason.
I feel the same way about the baby I lost and the one I am planning to welcome in a few short weeks. If my first pregnancy would have gone full term, sure I’d have a baby. But I wouldn’t have this baby that I’m growing right now. And I’ll tell you what, I haven’t met them yet but I already know this baby is the one that was exactly meant for me and my husband.
I’ve worked through the feelings of being betrayed and confused by my body and have moved onward to acceptance. I accept that, even though it was traumatic and painful, my body knew what it was doing and released the pregnancy that was not meant for me. I’ve moved on to accept that, while it may devastate me again in the future should it ever happen, miscarriages are a normal and natural part of the child bearing years of my life.
It was a devastating experience, one that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But, as with most horrible experiences in my life – I’ve been able to see the purpose and understand that it’s now just another chapter in my book of life. One that hurt deeply, but one that also brought my husband and I closer, taught me patience and acceptance and ultimately self love and healing.
If you have experienced a miscarriage, my heart is with you no matter what stage of grief you are at currently. It’s okay to be sad or angry or confused, all of it or even none of it. Your feelings are valid and your story is important to share for all the women who come after us and share in this heartbreaking experience. I pray that our angel babes watch over us, proud of the women we become after our losses and send us the strength we need to make it though our days without them here on earth with us.