by I shared a very vulnerable post last year on how mother’s day has always been a challenge for me due to my strained relationship with my mother.
I was secretly pregnant last year when I wrote that post. I say secretly because my immediate family knew, but I had not yet divulged that information in an announcement form on my blog or anywhere on the internet. So I wrote that blog post fully knowing that I was anticipating celebrating the next Mother’s Day as an official mother myself. Which made it even more emotional.
As I write this post, my nearly 6 month old daughter is asleep in my arms. “One Day” by Matisyahu is playing in the background and the lyrics are just a tad too perfect for where I’m at in my life.
For me, having my daughter was a deep yearning I held in my soul. She is truly the gift I have prayed for more than anything else I ever wanted in this life. Selfishly, I wanted to prove to myself that being a loving, caring mother couldn’t possibly be that hard. Unselfishly, I prayed to become the vessel through which the next generations of humans would incarnate.
I still hurt on Mother’s Day. But this year I do feel a freedom I haven’t felt before.
I no longer have an obligation to do performative acts for a woman who I do not feel deeply bonded to. I feel free to celebrate Mother’s Day in the way that best represents me and my beliefs on the day. Especially because deep down I do still believe that it’s a Hallmark Holiday that doesn’t really mean anything other than “buy this to prove you love your mom” and for me, I never want to push that on my daughter. I want her to love me in her own way and one day when she’s ready to show me that love, I want to accept it in whatever form it comes in.
Mother’s Day still hurts, but the last year of pregnancy and early motherhood has shown me that so many other women have filled the role of “mother” for me over the years.
Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way that we truly do share a collective Mother who embodies herself in a variety of ways to those who need her love. For me, my birth mother gave me life and nurtured me in the early years. But when she abandoned me in my early teen years I was forced to find The Collective Mother in other women. Thankfully I had women like my grandmother who took me in, my aunt, my step-mother, the mothers of all the friends I grew up with, women I have worked with a greatly admired, and eventually my mother-in-law to fill in the gaps when I’ve needed them.
These women have filled the needs I have for a Mother in my life in the ways that my own mother is unable to do so. It’s a bittersweet experience because I do wish that I could have a deeper more meaningful relationship with my birth mother, but at this current time in life I simply can’t.
I will not continue to disrespect my boundaries to receive her love and approval. I will not allow myself to feel hurt by someone who regularly disregards my thoughts and feelings. I will not put myself and my needs on the back burner because it’s easier for another person to give me approval that way. I will not overextend myself mentally, spiritually, financially, or emotionally for someone else who simply refuses to reciprocate the energetic exchange. I cannot pour from an empty cup.
If my mother ever chooses to change, which I hope she does, then a more meaningful relationship could begin to blossom.
But until that day arrives, and even more so if it never does, I am content to continue having bittersweet unhappy mothers days.
And with every Mother’s Day that goes by, I will work tirelessly to make sure my daughter never knows what it’s like for this holiday to be anything more than a day we plant our garden together.
The cycle ends here.
