by Well I was going to write this blog post but then I remembered the load of laundry I had to switch over from the washer to the dryer. So I did that instead.
Then I remembered that I haven’t journaled yet today and none of my brilliantly creative ideas are accessible when I haven’t emptied my mind of all the junk from the day.
I’m also providing a lot of emotional support for friends who are experiencing depression and anxiety deeply for the first time in their lives. So that’s a lot to wade through. Thanks, global pandemic.
Then the baby needs a diaper change, and probably needs to be fed too.
Then I finally sit down to write and I’m hit with the fact that maybe I don’t have any ideas worth writing about. So I journal. Then I get deeply into my feelings that need to be processed and integrated.
Basically I’m doing a lot of self guided therapy and it’s exhausting as fuck.
In addition to keeping a tiny human alive, I’ve got a full plate.
But write I must. And so I do.
Most of the time in a notebook where I have control over who’s eyes see it. I’m able to decide that grammar rules don’t matter and that all ideas are welcomed even if they’re ridiculous and silly and not connected to anything else that fits under my “brand” of spiritually inclined mom content (if that’s even what I’ve got going here, who knows anymore.) Because I know that my brand is whatever the fuck I’m interested in in this moment.
I continue to put off the things that matter to me because I’m afraid of what it will feel like to be fully seen and unacknowledged. I’ve experienced it before, many times, and you’d think it would become more comfortable with repetition, but it doesn’t. Trying to squeeze myself into tiny boxes for other people to understand is literally Anxiety Inducer #1 and, unfortunately/thankfully sharing my writing tends to be a tiny box I use for people to understand me. A lot of the time because the conversations that I think are worth having in person are not the conversations being had.
I procrastinate vulnerability. Because it’s easier to look around and analyze the things around me rather than the things within.
So here’s a #trendy How To Guide for procrastinating because the internet algorithms have decided that blog posts should be more visible when they hit SEO guidelines and have headings and lists instead of well articulated and expressive content:
- Is everything around you spotlessly clean? No? Then you’re definitely not ready to be productive. Instead of cleaning just the space you’re working in, clean the entire house. It’ll bring on a lot more debilitating anxiety and you might be able to avoid the rest of the list as well as any potential writing.
- Have you eaten something? How long ago? You probably definitely need a snack in order for your brain to work properly. Search Pinterest for healthy recipes for 15-30 minutes until you decide to microwave leftovers.
- Have you called your grandma lately? I’m sure she would love to hear from you and discuss every single detail of your life that you’re not writing about.
- Have you organized everything you own? Sure, back at step 1 you cleaned everything, but organizing is something else. Maybe try color coordinating your entire closet or organizing it according to mood? The alphabet is always a helpful device for organizing things with names or labels, unless it’s a spice rack then probably you’re supposed to do that according to use frequency. Verdict still isn’t out and I can’t think of enough recipes that warrant Allspice to be the first thing you can reach in your spice rack. (Team Garlic Salt for lyfe)
- How have you gone this long and not checked your phone? The internet is the best black hole of endless information to keep your brain in a loading loop forever. Go google funny cat videos… or screaming goats. Or download TikTok. Maybe start a YouTube channel. But definitely don’t write because heaven forbid you do something productive.
- Have you done a face mask? Your skin care routine definitely needs to be mastered and perfected before something brilliant could possibly come from your mind. Brilliant skin = brilliant mind. Exfoliate all the things other things weighing you down, because it’s definitely not your procrastination.
- When was the last time you watched the sunset? The sunrise? What time of the day is it? Doesn’t matter, go outside and stare directly into the sun or the moon and see which one gives you more ideas. But definitely don’t write them down to share them with anyone.
- Journal. This one seems far too much like writing something, but if it gets you off track from sitting down to write something for others to read then it’s allowed.
- Edit. Because of course you know that you have at least 50 drafts waiting for your eyes to find every single thing wrong with them before they continue to sit in the drafts section. Unpublished but waiting for exactly the right moment. Just not this moment.
- Definitely consider the idea of writing something. Write this blog post from your phone instead. You have no workspace anymore so don’t get too attached to that comfy desk and chair that allowed your ideas to be more easily accessible because you had the same ritual every time for writing. HA! Adapt. Improvise. Overcome. But definitely don’t write anything in one sitting anymore. That would be far too productive.
What’s your go-to routine for avoiding expressing your creative ideas and becoming a vulnerable beacon of light for other creatives to be inspired by?? Tell me in the comments below!
