by One year ago to the day – I had a belly full of Carsyn. This is the last picture I took while pregnant.
I was in early labor at the time this picture was taken and I had no clue. I only knew I was 3 cm dilated and uncomfortable all the time and my back hurt. (Very thankful for those painless labor genes I was gifted from my grandma… and hypnobirthing.)
This year I’m deeply in my feelings, evaluating how much change and growth and expansion has filled my life in just one year. I have so many pictures I took with no intention of ever posting them, because I wanted them to be my private memories that I could sit with. But something in my heart is telling me I have to share a little bit more. Not everything, just some things.
(Don’t worry if you’re reading this, Dad. I won’t post my birth video.)
The last year has been nothing I expected. In the best and worst ways possible. We’ve had a year full of breastfeeding, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, mushy food making, soothing, rocking, and most importantly – letting go. Getting my “Intro Course to Surrendering” BEFORE motherhood was a gift I didn’t know I needed. It came in a pretty ugly package labeled adhd, depression, anxiety, and a miscarriage.
Oh, and having my immense spiritual awakening beforehand really helped too.
Letting go was the theme of my year, it turns out. But the gift of intuitive mothering was worth it’s admission price. I had forgotten just how utterly capable I am until Carsyn reminded me.
Without being cryptic – Our lives changed a lot during Covid and Austyn ended up losing his “dream” job (spoiler alert: it was more like a nightmare). He took a hit, but got back up and took a job that has essentially robbed him of his first year of fatherhood. Obviously that’s a dramatic statement, but the life we had planned for this first year turned out NOTHING like we envisioned.
Hence, the theme of letting go.
Letting go of control. Letting go of expectations. Letting go of obligations. Letting go of the “could have’s” and especially the “should have’s”. Letting go.
But wouldn’t you know it, life has a way of giving more than it takes when you finally learn The Art of Letting Go.
This IS the first year of parenthood we dreamed of. This IS the daughter our hearts craved. This IS the experience of freedom, empowerment, expansion, and growth that we yearned for. It just came in a differently shaped package than we thought. The package was more intimidating than the contents. Isn’t that kind of how it always goes though?
I’ve learned so much.
I’ve re-membered SO MUCH about exactly who the F I am. Exactly how strong I am. Exactly how smart and creative and intuitive I am. Exactly how capable I am as a person with and without a partner by my side every waking moment. (And every sleeping moment, turns out. Shift work is not for the faint of heart.)
I’m blessed to have learned it the way I did this year. There was a period of mourning and grief, if I’m being honest. It seems all forms of letting go come with a pinch of grief. But again – that “Intro Course to Surrendering” really, really helped.
Oh, and watching Frozen 2 and Captain Marvel helped put a lot of things in perspective too. Who knew.
Fun fact: THE DAY I found out I was pregnant was International Women’s Day and Austyn and I had a date set to see Captain Marvel in theaters that night. If that wasn’t the universe telling me:
- It’s a girl
- Hold onto your butt, sis. You’re in for a wild ride.
Then I really don’t know what is.
Anyway, I’ll cut my lamenting short. I’ll spend hours swimming in the pool of my creative self-expression if you let me. Until I turn into a wrinkly little prune and emerge like a newborn babe from the waters.
Oh wait… 😉
I miss writing here. And I sense a return. Not like the one fueled by panic a few months ago. One fueled by endless subconscious frolicking in the pools of my creative cavern. A little…. Rave in the Cave, if you will.
*winks to my AMM coven fam*
